


If You Still Hate Yourself

by Slutever



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Anorexia, Benny is Dead, Cutting, Dark, Depressed Castiel, Depression, Drug Use, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Mental Instability, Poverty, Rimming, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-21
Updated: 2015-06-21
Packaged: 2018-04-05 09:49:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4175328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slutever/pseuds/Slutever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas is a bomb waiting to go off and Dean is there to pick up the pieces</p>
            </blockquote>





	If You Still Hate Yourself

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by ["Salvia Plath"](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/122223) by Teen Suicide. 



_You said you hate yourself ___

__Dean was holding him and rubbing soothing circles all over his body. Castiel was shaking and every once in a while he fought to get out of Dean's grasp. Dean just held him close and kissed his skin, kissed anywhere he could._ _

__"I'm so sorry Dean"_ _

__"You did nothing wrong angel"_ _

__"I'm such a worthless shit, God I burden you and everyone"_ _

__"You're not Cas, I love you so much"_ _

__"I'm sorry"_ _

__

_____So let me feed you strawberries_  
_Off a plate I bought from a widow_  
_Who was selling her husbands things_

____"Are you hungry?"_ _ _ _

____"No"_ _ _ _

____"Cas you have to eat"_ _ _ _

____"It doesn't matter, I'm dead anyways"_ _ _ _

____"You're not, you're here with me"_ _ _ _

____"I'm disgusting"_ _ _ _

____"You're beautiful. Please eat"_ _ _ _

____Castiel didn't move. Dean picked up the plate of strawberries and brought them to him. He laid down and cuddled up against his cold skin, pale and covered in bruises and scratches._ _ _ _

____"I got these from Meg"_ _ _ _

____"Masters?"_ _ _ _

____"Yeah, she was having a yard sell with all of Benny's stuff"_ _ _ _

____"Dean, I can't"_ _ _ _

____"Just eat some strawberries for me, okay?"_ _ _ _

____Castiel ate two._ _ _ _

_____And we'll see if you still hate yourself_ ____

____They were driving around. Castiel hasn't said a thing since Dean opened the car door and drove. They've been driving for hours, far from Lawrence now._ _ _ _

____Castiel sees the sign 6 hours later. They're going to the Bad Lands, Dean's favorite place. Castiel watches the large hills and the spruce trees growing everywhere, a dark beauty._ _ _ _

____It's sunset by the time Dean parks on the side of a road and then takes Castiel to a hiking trial. They get to the top and watch the sun set in silence._ _ _ _

____"I love you Castiel, I love you so much. I'd do anything to be with you, to make you happy"_ _ _ _

____"Just let me die, let me-"_ _ _ _

____"I won't ever let you, I need you"_ _ _ _

____They kiss and whisper things not even the stars can hear._ _ _ _

_________If you still hate yourself_  
_I'll eat you out for an hour in your room_  
_Cause I love giving head_

____The house is restless, sonic and kinetic energy echoing the halls. Dean and Castiel are in bed, naked and entangled in each other. This is the only time Castiel is alive, in bed with Dean's tongue reaching places deep inside him._ _ _ _

____"Holy shit, please don't stop"_ _ _ _

____"Cas you taste so good, so tight babe"_ _ _ _

____"Dee, I need more"_ _ _ _

____"I've got you, shh it's okay I got you"_ _ _ _

____They make love until the stars hear them._ _ _ _

_________If you still hate yourself_  
_We'll cut ourselves and swallow_  
_Chunks of broken glass_  
_I don't care about finishing college_

____Dean leaves class when he gets the text. All Castiel had to to say was "I need you" before Dean packed his stuff up and drove as fast as he could to their small apartment._ _ _ _

____The door is unlocked, and Dean takes the long, rusted stairs so he doesn't have to wait for the elevator. Most of the wallpaper is peeling, and the faded wood door of their apartment is already open._ _ _ _

____Dean swings in and walks to the bathroom. Castiel is on his back, submerged inside a red bathtub._ _ _ _

____The blonde hurriedly picks Castiel's cold body, his muscles giving no effort as the brunette weighs nothing. He brings the bleeding beauty to their bed, laying down and kissing him as he wraps his cuts._ _ _ _

____"I couldn't help it"_ _ _ _

____"Cas, please"_ _ _ _

____"You're my everything Dean, and it hurts me to know I'm hurting you"_ _ _ _

____"Don't harm yourself over me"_ _ _ _

____"How can you say that when all I do is destroy you"_ _ _ _

____"No Cas, I need you"_ _ _ _

____"I love you"_ _ _ _

____"I love you too"_ _ _ _

____They kiss and kiss until they have no breathe. Red and blue lights illuminate their room. The ambulance sirens don't bother Dean anymore._ _ _ _

_________I'll buy the biggest tv_  
_That my credit card allows me_  
_We'll watch the food network for the rest of our lives_

____Cas is waiting for Dean on the couch, resting like the doctor told him to. When Dean doesn't come for another Cas begins worrying. The streets are dark, and ominous people wander the sidewalk. Cas starts getting paranoid that Dean got mugged. Killed. Raped._ _ _ _

____He resorts to going to the bathroom and popping Xanax like a kid eating skittles. They calm him down but it's not enough. It won't be enough until Cas can't feel or move. Until he stops existing._ _ _ _

____There's a knock on the door and Cas scrambles for a weapon. He stops when Dean pokes his head in and is followed by Sam and Bobby. They're all carrying a huge TV, one Cas has only seen in stored but never dared check the price._ _ _ _

____Bobby and Sam place the tv on the living room wall and greet Cas. It's awkward, it's tense, and Cas knows they probably figured it. His arms are bandaged red and Dean's eyes are just as bloodshot._ _ _ _

____They leave after hugging him and wishing them well. Dean turns to Cas and wraps his arms around the raven haired boys waist before kissing him._ _ _ _

____"Hey baby"_ _ _ _

____"Dean..."_ _ _ _

____"Before you say I should take it back, let me tell you it's gonna be okay"_ _ _ _

____"Did you max out the credit card?"_ _ _ _

____"Sorry"_ _ _ _

____"Why?"_ _ _ _

____"Because I figured it would be good, keep you occupied"_ _ _ _

____"It won't stop me from killing myself if that's what you're implying"_ _ _ _

____"It's not what I meant!"_ _ _ _

____"I'm sorry, I'm being an ass"_ _ _ _

____"It's okay, I just want..."_ _ _ _

____"You don't have to say it Dee"_ _ _ _

____"I want you to be happy"_ _ _ _

____The Xanax kicks in, making Cas light headed and relaxed. He smiles as he kisses Dean, the drug coursing his blood and begging to be released._ _ _ _

____"I am happy, I love you so much Dean"_ _ _ _

____"You're not mad about the TV? Or the credit card?"_ _ _ _

____"No"_ _ _ _

____Cas knew he was lying, he just didn't know wether it was about the TV or himself._ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if it was vague or bad hahah I wrote this after I got out of jail and got high, I was feeling some Lana too. The ending is sad but open for the audience to decide


End file.
